my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
