it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
then he tried to convert me to islam
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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