i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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