Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
