So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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