If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
