what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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