I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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