My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
