I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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