I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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