how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
