News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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