I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
