I can text with my tongue
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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