I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
