I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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