I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
