It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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