you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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