I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
