i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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