watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
