A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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