He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
