My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
