ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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