If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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