I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
