if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
