i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
