just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize