I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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