I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
