youre lurking in front of me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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