It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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