Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
