fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
