That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
