My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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