when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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