Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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