New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize