i was born a porn star she said
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
