I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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