my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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