Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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