i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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