We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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