you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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