were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
