I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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