i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
