birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
