he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
