I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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