Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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