i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize