I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
