I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
